Thank you to all for your congratulations and interest. Some are asking for pictures and stories. I’m sorry, I am unable at this time to accommodate much. I just don’t have the heart right now. My search for peace has been a failure. Stress and anxiety are my burden and they follow me wherever I go. It is disappointing. I have always chosen the hard path, I guess. I know I have accomplished something, but have yet to be able to enjoy that thought.

The passage has really laid my life open to me. I lost my mojo a long time ago. Through foolish illusions I have been propping up my ego for years. The passage has stripped that all away and laid bare an analysis of my ridiculous life and its futility. With my ego went my confidence. Whether that confidence be true or false, that is what supports the ego.

My original Chilean plan has been abandoned. It was not based on sound route planning and understanding of what the Flicka is capable of on the open sea. Plans are fluid, so this is not really a big deal or any surprise. We learn as we go and adjust accordingly. Since Sampaguita is still my burden, this leaves me with two options. Continuing west or heading north to Port Townsend.

Continuing west is not something I am prepared to do. There are serious logistical obstacles to that which I nor Sampaguita are prepared or even able to overcome. From an armchair they may not be apparent but to a veteran cruiser in the present era managing the day-to-day, they are obvious. I am ill-equipped to handle them. I’ll not mention them all here as some cards need to be held close to one’s chest.

So that leaves Port Townsend. Does that excite me? No, it does not, but the route is the best gamble I have right now. A round the Pacific cruise is not to be ashamed of. And I think I know how to dispose of a boat there, which was my full intention at the end of this journey. My interest in living on a 20-foot boat is over and it was always my intention for this to be the last hurrah. I deemed Port Townsend to be an unsustainable place for me to live when I left and I don’t expect it to be different a year later. In fact, the United States doesn’t feel like a good fit for me anymore. But it is a place I know and think I can manage the wrapping of this up. After that, I have no idea.

Really, this is all about the boat now. I think the best thing for me would be for the boat to vanish into thin air. Then I wouldn’t have the liability of it anymore and my options would open up. And I wouldn’t have the stress and anxiety of it, at least. But I can’t abandon the boat here. It’s unsellable here. It doesn’t have enough value to store or to ship. It’s a $20000 boat at best, outfitted in a way that hardly anyone would be interested in. If I made it to Chile, I was going to give it to my friend there and deem it the cost of adventure. In Port Townsend I think I could sell it, give it away, or even DNR it. Besides it sinking in deep water, that is the best solution I can come up with.

It’s not Sampaguita’s fault. She’s doing the best she can do. I don’t begrudge her for it and she’s a fine boat. But she’s been at the whim of my decision-making and she is just a thing, no matter what superstitious mystiques tradition puts on a boat.

I appreciate the donations made. I have spent it all, however, if you feel I did not live up to your expectations, I will return anyone’s donation who asks. It is my intention to spend the next few weeks preparing the boat for my attempt at Port Townsend. Tomorrow we see if Sampaguita fits on the haul out trailer. It is questionable enough that they would not even take the 50% deposit usually required. I will be OK if not. I can manage in the water if I have to, though having things still(meaning not moving) would be helpful and easier. I expect the Port Townsend trip to take 60-70 days. I may stop in Hawaii, maybe not. I’d rather not. Hawaii has become like southern California, I think. Cruisers are pests. They only want the big money boats as that has become the en-vogue way to limit boats. Create financial and logistical barriers fewer can meet. I suspect I would be fraught with more stress and anxiety. I think I can provision for the long haul.

Maybe there will be blogs, maybe I will go dark. It is difficult to say today. I have nothing to say and no opinions to give. The heat is extreme and everything is a chore in it.

Humbly yours,

Joshua